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Business Pot Plant by Lisa Yarnell

Published on May 8th, 2011 | by Thompson


So You Want to Sell Drugs…

Volume 1: A Guide for College Students, Soccer Moms, Entrepreneurs, and Drug Abusers Who Want to Sell Marijuana on the Black Market

With July 1st fast approaching and nearly 5,000 caregivers in the state of Montana facing unemployment, we at Go Gonzo Journal thought it would be nice to remind people how to effectively navigate the Black Market.  For the many people facing the inevitable move to the underground drug world, we hope this helps you get by.  So, without further ado, here are Go Gonzo Journal’s 10 tips to make money selling weed…illegally.

1) Buy a prepaid cell phone.

When attempting to sell any drug it’s important to have a prepaid cell phone that cannot be tracked and has no connection to you.  There is no reason to put yourself at risk when you can spend $50 on a phone that can’t be traced to you.  And buy it with cash.

2) Buy a safe.

You should have a safe in your home and a portable safe in the trunk of your car if you happen to be delivering weed.  Keep the safe at home in a place that only you know about.  Combination safes are preferable because keys can be lost or stolen.  Remember, a cop needs a search warrant for everything that locks, and if you have no reason to be arrested, you can make the contents disappear before they can get one.  Running a delivery service does not have to be risky, which brings us to our next tip.

3) Run a delivery service.

Delivery is an obvious pain in the ass, but stoners are lazy, and they will continue stuffing your pockets with cash if they know you, or someone they know, will deliver drugs to their house. Also, this allows you to smoke for free with all the people you deliver to, but never have pot on your person – not in pockets or backpacks.  Put your safe in a bag and carry that with you.  There are many ways to advertise this convenience.  I’ve seen flyers for a “Late Night Cookie Delivery” service, which is a great cover for selling pot.  Outsource this customer convenience whenever possible, and only visit places you’re comfortable visiting.

4) Don’t break the law while breaking the law.Marijuana...Hey, At Least It's Not Crack

Don’t speed.  Wear your seatbelt.  Obey all traffic laws.  Know where you are and where you’re going…both in reality and in the alternate reality that you and officers of the law reside in.  You are not special.  You are on the way to your Grandma’s deathbed.  Death is a great excuse.  Make an officer feel awful for pulling you over. “No, No, No.”  My first words as a child also suffice when dealing with the police.  Know where the “you’re fucked” line is and how the police try to cross it.  This is why you have an alternate reality prepared.  You have someplace important to be…like Grandma’s.  Have lots of shit with you, and keep a clean car.  Cops are lazy.  They don’t want to unpack your shit.  They know when you’re a lazy pothead, too.  Smoke cigarettes.  If an officer notices a lighter she will ask if you smoke.  Your answer should be, “Hell, yes…I’ve tried to quit, but it’s so hard.”  A pack of cigarettes can save your ass if well placed, and not only that, cigarette smoke is far more poignant than marijuana.  Having items like a Bible visible in the car may help as well.  And for your own sake, don’t hang an air freshener that looks like a pot leaf from your rearview mirror or litter your bumper with stickers.

5) Provide eatable weed…weedables.

Eating weed is the most efficient way to consume the drug, and the margins on weedables are incredible.  You can make brownies out of the weed you already vaporized and sell them at $10 each.  That’s 100% profit minus your time.  The problem is finding a market for these foods.  The answer to this little problem is to party.  Find a party and take a batch of weedables with you.  Offer free samples and provide your phone number to anyone interested.

6) Offer steep discounts to ensure the most productive people sell for you.

This is the Costco approach to selling pot.  With 5,000 growers losing their jobs there will be a surplus of pot on the market, so if you want to move it you must undercut competitors’ prices. No one will go somewhere else if they know you’re consistently the best price in town.  People buy pot with tax refund checks and Grandma’s birthday money, and the only way you can encourage your customers to buy and sell more is by having the lowest price.  This will weed out people who sell an ounce so they can smoke for free from the people interested in paying rent…in cash.   If you don’t have a problem holding on to your product then sell at a price you find to be reasonable, but it is not advisable.  This will increase your risk.

7) Consistent prices are more important than consistent quality.

With every illegal drug, price is always most important.  People aren’t looking for the best shit they can find, and if they are they won’t be dealing with you.  You can still make a ton of money dealing well-trimmed shwag rather than spending a fortune on the best shit in the world…and you can buy a lot more.  This limits your risk, as the cost of getting busted with 2 pounds of shwag is significantly lower than getting caught with a pound of Strawberry Cough…and you’ll serve the same sentence for both.

8) Evaluate your customers.

In any industry it’s important to know your market, and you should know your customers better than you know your product.  If you don’t know who you’re selling to, you don’t know who’s willing to spill the beans to get out of a DUI.  Never put yourself at risk to accommodate someone who makes you $100 a month unless you know you can trust them. And never trust a drug.

9) Buy low, sell small.

The Black Market is no different than the Stock Market, except for taxes.  Buy at the lowest price you can and sell in the smallest increments you’re comfortable with.  The key to large margins in this industry is to buy cheap and distribute to markets in which your drug has a high demand, which is the key to large margins in any industry.

10) Most important…always have pot.

There is nothing worse than telling a loyal customer you’ve got nothing.  This only allows loyal customers to investigate new options, which they will do because they’re not looking for a relationship…they’re looking for a fix.  Fiends aren’t interested in who they buy their drugs from…they’re interested in drugs.  It doesn’t matter if the shopping environment is enjoyable or if the customer service is outstanding…if they can’t get it from you they will go elsewhere, and they may never come back.

We hope this is helpful, and though we find the new medical marijuana reformation to be a travesty of mass proportions and a violation of the American democratic system where we vote on things and they become law until we, the people, vote to reform or repeal them, it is important to remember that there will always be a way around these laws.  As long as you follow these tips and create some personal rules of your own, you can be successful and avoid incarceration.  So get out there and sell some pot!

P.S. We in no way advocate nor condone illegal activity.

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About the Author

When Thompson isn't busy writing for Go Gonzo Journal, you may find him drunk at the movie theater with Professor Heinous or stirring up trouble in a bar with his attorney. Thompson also enjoys skiing, hiking, camping, and watching and betting on baseball and football.

2 Responses to So You Want to Sell Drugs…

  1. Lazlomd says:

    I have been following this advice for 14 years and I have never been busted.
    Keep it amoung people who own a house or at least rent. This way they have somewhere to smoke.
    If your customers smoke in their cars you are asking for trouble.

  2. gry randkowe says:

    You actually make it appear so easy together with your presentation however I find this matter to be really something that I think I’d never understand. It sort of feels too complex and extremely extensive for me. I am having a look forward to your subsequent publish, I will try to get the cling of it!

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