When I first heard about The Amazing Spider-Man last year I was pretty apathetic towards its production. I didn’t hate the Toby Maguire movies enough to feel the series needed to be rebooted so soon. When it first came out a few weeks ago I decided I wanted to see it, but my friend and I decided to see it when there’d be fewer assholes in the theater to ruin the experience. I purposefully avoided any reviews or talking to any friends about it so it would be a fresh experience for me.
A few days ago my friend, Evan and I went to hang out for the day. After having the worst experience in a Chinese restaurant of my life, the terror of which I can only compare to Hiroshima and Nagasaki, we decided that it was time to finally see The Amazing Spider-Man. We bought our tickets an hour early and sat in his car having a nice bowl of Dunhill Nightcap pipe tobacco and chatting about how great The Avengers was and hoping The Amazing Spider-Man would be half as good. After a few bowls of Nightcap we went into the theater to see how big the crowd was. There were literally oodles of people leaving the theater but barely anybody staying to see anything.
We had forty minutes before the movie started, but we weren’t in the mood to wait in the lobby and listen to chattering teenagers awe over “how great Battleship was.” We took our seats in the theater and listened to the music they were playing over the speakers. I pulled my Blu e-cigarette from its pack and started inhaling the delicious tobacco flavor until I was bitched at for smoking, and I went to grab a drink.
As the intro for the theater started playing a pop-up appeared on screen informing us that “Windows has encountered an error and needs to be restarted.” After the computer restarted and I finished praying that Windows would encounter a BSoD, the previews finally played. The previews were dull, as usual, and I paid almost no attention to them. I sat sipping on Cherry Coke and smoking a cigarette through the entire movie, and when I left the theater I was not sure what to think of it.
Plot Summary: Peter Parker, a smart mouthed high school student with a penchant for science and photography, is bitten by a radioactive spider which gives him spider powers. His uncle is killed, and it’s almost entirely his fault. Meanwhile, Dr. Curt Connors transforms himself into The Lizard and terrorizes Manhattan. Captain Stacy orders the police force to arrest and detain Spider-Man, and Peter starts a relationship with the captain’s daughter, Gwen Stacy. As Peter tries to stop The Lizard, avoid the police, and balance his superhero life with his regular life, wacky hijinks ensue.
- Peter Parker’s hair is God awful.
- Andrew Garfield is not as awkward as Toby Maguire
- Peter Parker wasn’t a smart mouth, Spider-Man was.
- Peter Parker didn’t skateboard.
- When Peter Parker calls for somebody to call an ambulance after Uncle Ben was shot the fact is ignored that he had a cell phone in the previous scene.
- The Lizard has a shittier version of Aquaman’s powers, meaning he can call lizards to him. At least Aquaman can call a shark.
- Uncle Ben never says “With great power comes great responsibility.”
- Charlie Sheen is not Peter Parker’s cousin.
- The Lizard looks like a Goomba from The Super Mario Bros. movie.
Score: 60/100. All in all The Amazing Spider-Man was an alright movie. I wouldn’t pay to see it again, and I probably won’t buy the DVD. Normally, if I like a movie enough I don’t notice what’s wrong with it, but I noticed quite a bit. My advice would be to see it once and never watch it again. Also, don’t pay for it. Pirate it when the DVD comes out. (Go Gonzo Journal and its affiliates do not support or endorse piracy.)