Jail-house Rocks

There’s nothing like smoking a cigarette in front of the jail having left seven empty shot glasses at the bar after serving 10 days in said jail.

I’m waiting for my sister to pick me up in a Ford Explorer I spent $5,000 to get back from the police after my mother only paid $4,000 to buy it for me. So I spent $9,000 to keep one secret from my parents, but they don’t need to know I’m a convicted felon at 21. My mother would be crushed, and my father would crush me. My sister has been instrumental in keeping my secret. She even sent me $50 to get drunk with when I got released. I spent it all in an hour on Jack Daniels, a pack of cigarettes, and keno. I haven’t even been out for an hour, and I’ve violated my probation twice.

Jail is actually pretty fun. Don’t get me wrong, I know of some horrid places – places I probably should be – but this jail kicked ass. I learned a ton about myself. I found out I was a hell of a dominoes player (we call it bones in the jailhouse). I must have won six sandwiches off those games. I had a lot of time to work on my chess game. You see, in jail you stay up all night and sleep all day. I don’t remember a single night I went to sleep at lights out. Everybody starts writing rhymes and beat-boxing, playing games, and just talking. Inmates have a lot to say and are usually well-traveled. I heard some great stories and met some great people. Most convicts aren’t that ruthless; they’re just alcoholics and drug addicts who have fucked up one too many times.

I was surprised by the freedom we were given. Of course, we couldn’t smoke, unless we were extremely discreet about it. Smoking a cigarette in jail is a really fun project. Most times you can’t even get a real cigarette and have to settle for some dried up chewing tobacco the drunken cowboy with six DUIs snuck in for the night. You wrap your dry tobacco in some notebook paper (never use newspaper) and you have yourself a cigarette. But you still have to get rid of the smoke, and this is why indoor plumbing is the greatest invention ever. Take your plastic mattress pad and plunge the toilet until there is no water in the basin. When you reach this stage, you are ready to smoke. Light the cigarette in the toilet and make sure the camera can’t see you. Rotate out when finished and have your cellmate put his face in the toilet. Never let the cigarette leave the toilet, and flush the butt along with all the smoke in the pipes when finished.

Getting drunk is also never out of the question if you can find enough bread, Jolly Ranchers, and Kool-aid. I never got to try it, but I hear it’s disgustingly effective. Pills are the drug of choice in jail, though. Everybody is on something, and it all goes up the nose. I can’t condone snorting pills because they were not meant to go up your nose. They put shit in those pills so people won’t snort them. It’s very bad for you, and you shouldn’t do it. When you’ve seen as many nosebleeds as I have you keep pills out of your nose. Cocaine is another story.

I’ve never been so sick of television. I saw some horrible programs in jail, but we did see some good movies. I saw Predator for the first time…and the second. Most guards kept the TV on after lights out. We got to watch the Redeem Team win gold. We had to watch the Twins blow an early lead to the Mariners on an Adrian Beltre home run. That game would have put us in the playoffs, too.

The food in jail does suck, though. I mean it’s awful. Dinner is hot, but almost not worth eating. It’s full of protein, carbs, and fat, though. Sometimes you’re lucky enough to get a salad and maybe trade for another. Lunch is good because it’s pretty damn difficult to fuck up a turkey sandwich, an apple, and a bag of chips. Breakfast is best. You may have to be up at 5 a.m. to eat it, but you get milk – the only quart of milk you’ll see all day. The rest of the day it’s either red Kool-aid or piss-warm apple juice. If you’re lucky, or really good at bones or spades, you can win milk here and there, but most inmates aren’t willing to risk their milk. I respect them for that.

When commissary comes the jailhouse turns into a casino. There are bones games going on in one cell, chess in another, and spades in another. Everybody has something on the game, but the “rich boys” are pretty good about sharing their coffee and candy to keep everyone up all night. Coffee is like gold in jail. You can get a bag of chips or a Zinger for a cup of coffee. I feel like I gained 10 pounds in jail, but I did exercise everyday and ate a ton of protein. There isn’t much to do in jail but exercise, read, and play games, and that gets old after after a week. I couldn’t imagine spending years in that place.

No amount of fun can make you forget about the bars, though. You have to make your own fun while you’re trapped in that place. If you don’t, you’re likely to go crazy and end up in an even worse place surrounded by padded walls and wearing a straitjacket. I’ll take bars over padded walls and isolation any day.

Jail is a part of life as far as I’m concerned, and no drug delivers a better high than when you’re released. It is absolutely euphoric, and I highly recommend it. But only do it once. Once is enough.