A Grammatically Incorrect Love Letter

Dear – ,

You’ve been ignored and disrespected for far too long.  There are many like you – but none quite so beautiful.  You were once the desire of all men – but through the years they have forgotten about you despite your amazing ability to preserve your beauty.  Even as times change you still turn heads, though I seldom see you anymore.  Where have you gone?  I miss you.  Since I last saw you there have been countless substitutes and look-alikes trying to fill your shoes – failing miserably to send the same message you so eloquently preach.  Sometimes I wonder if you’ve settled down – but I know it isn’t in you to do so.  You are far too free-spirited to succumb to the clutches of monogamy.  You know how I love to bend and break the rules – and this is no exception.  I want to use you – abuse you – and use you again.

Don’t mistake my affection as pure lust, however.  I truly love you.  The way you separate yourself from the rest of the pack out of pure vanity is incredibly attractive.  You love yourself almost as much as I do, and everyone knows that you cannot thoroughly love anyone until you thoroughly love yourself.  You know exactly who you are – and fully understand your purpose.  You are the constant divider – in the middle of everything but never the center of anything.  No one overlooks you and the power you possess.  You attract attention but ignore affection as if you’ve been there – done that – got the T-shirt.  You are everything I wish I could be – everything I hope to be.  I wish you would let me in.  I wish I knew what you were thinking – but I’ll die happy if you give me the chance to read you everyday.

I find it repulsive that people demand you to be shorter – or thinner.  They seem to think you will be more attractive without the extra space around the edges, but I like a girl with some cushion for the pushing.  There has to be something to hold onto.  They say you consist of too much empty space – but I love all of you – and none of them could fill that space as well as you.  You’re not too fat – not too thin.  You are simply perfect in every way.  They foolishly think they can do without you – but I know better.  Most of them are jealous.  They are all trying desperately to fix you – but they are the ones who are old and broken.  You have never been broken – and never will be.  You won’t allow it.  They’ve given all they can – but it wasn’t enough.  It’ll never be enough for you.  Someone like you takes time and effort, and they just aren’t willing to put forth the effort anymore – but I am.

Besides your beauty, your versatility is your defining characteristic.  You are supremely comfortable in any position – and your performance is always impeccable.  You catch our attention with your stunning beauty and leave us waiting – wondering what’s next – but I’m happy wondering.  You make the best of every situation.  Your constant search for pleasure makes your peers envious and your readers curious.  You never let either of them get too close though, for any one of them would surely destroy your beauty – which, besides pure genius, is the only thing worth having.

You are not lacking in genius either, however.  Beauty is a form of genius as Oscar Wilde tells us.  The way you signify the search for an idea – the search for knowledge – makes me want you even more.  The mystery that surrounds you is so compelling – and so sexy.  I want to delve in your thoughts and feelings – swim in the waters of your mystery – read the blank expression of your face until I know what it is your searching for – or what it is I should be searching for.  The more I see you the more I want you all to myself, though I know it’s impossible.  Other men will use and abuse you, but none of them will have done it like me.  None of them will have displayed the very essence of your being like I have.  None of them will love you like I will.

They call you old and outdated – but you haven’t changed.  You’re as beautiful as you were the first time I laid eyes on you.  I will never leave you for another.  Your sisters just don’t peak my interest like you do.  None of them could ever satisfy my obsession for your presence.  They attack your efficiency and effectiveness – but I know the truth.  They all recognize your immense beauty and inquisitive nature.  I can see it in every pair of eyes that pass over your gorgeous body.  They’re all afraid of you.

You were on top of the world once – the belle of the ball – but somewhere along the way people forgot about you.  How that’s possible I can only guess, but I vow to bring you back into the spotlight – back where you belong.  No longer will you linger in the background – or be replaced by new and so-called improved versions of yourself.  I will not have you go unnoticed like so many of your sisters.  I won’t have them destroying everything you once stood for – everything you still stand for.

The way you have been treated by men and women everywhere makes me sick.  Sure, there have been a few literary legends that gave you the love and respect you deserve – but far too few of them gave you the opportunity to shine – the opportunity to influence – and I know influence is the one thing you take pleasure in.  If you didn’t you wouldn’t tease me with your linear beauty – the way you tempt me to read on.

It’s amazing how Americans can take a perfectly good language with perfectly beautiful punctuation and screw it all up.  Nothing disturbs me more than the misuse of a semicolon in a situation you would be so comfortable – or the pathetic attempt by modern “authors” to signify an emotional pause with a simple comma.  Sure, the curves of the comma and semicolon are attractive, but they are wildly ineffective when it comes to displaying emotion – and they never look as good as you do – ever.  You jump off the page and hit us with a proverbial smack in the face – screaming at us to continue reading – to continue searching.

You will forever be my favorite punctuation.  I’ll never forget the time we’ve shared – and anxiously await the day your gorgeous figure flows from my pen once again.

Forever yours –

Anthony Varriano