Day 1: Three Balls for Three Days of All-Star Baseball

When my attorney and I met Bud Selig at Target Field the day he announced Minneapolis would host the 2014 MLB All-Star Game, we didn’t realize how old we would feel two years later when that game was played. As the story goes, my attorney and I were late to that game two years ago because our drug dealer was late in getting us our cocaine. This time, however, my attorney and I were well-oiled machines and everything came together as planned. There was hardly a surprise in our All-Star trip…except the quality of the drugs.

We hadn’t found any good blow in years. In fact, the last stuff we had in the cities smelled and tasted like laundry detergent, but we didn’t let past experiences deter us from giving our drug dealer just one more shot to surprise us. He did.

We started our first day in Minneapolis at Stella’s Fish Cafe for lunch. Aaron Gleeman so strongly recommends Stella’s on Twitter that we had to go check out the rooftop bar. We weren’t disappointed. After a couple of sushi rolls and a damn fine Bloody Mary we started texting our drug dealer to let him know we would be downtown until at least 6 PM.

We hit the Futures Game to see JO Berrios, Kennys Vargas and Alex Meyer. The Futures Game was difficult to watch because the Twins’ two best prospects, Byron Buxton and Miguel Sano, weren’t playing due to injuries, but that’s the life of a Twins fan – you can always count on being disappointed.

We decided this would be the best day to get our All-Star shopping done so we could wear our gear the next two days and avoid the crowds that would surely increase. I had to get a new jersey with the 2014 All-Star patch. I really like the design with the Minneapolis skyline near Target Field. I’ve always wanted a 1985-86 sky blue Kirby Puckett jersey, but I wasn’t about to spend $280. I ended up paying $180 for a patch, basically. Ironically, I bought a Joe Mauer jersey at an All-Star Game in which he did not participate. Had their been a Byron Buxton Kernels jersey I would have bought that. My attorney picked up a Glen Perkins jersey, a Miguel Sano T-shirt, a new hat I helped him pick out, and a pair of wristbands for which he forgot to pay. He makes a lot more than I do.

Berrios started the game for the World team and pitched a perfect inning with a strikeout. Vargas K’d twice and smacked a double into right field. Meyer’s inning of work was unimpressive, giving up a hard-hit single but cleaning it up with a double play. We left after his inning of work hoping to hook up with our drug dealer, although we later heard the Celebrity Softball Game was really entertaining despite all the “celebrities” dropping out. Adrian Peterson made an ass of himself and the score wasn’t indicative of a competitive game. John Bonnes did, however, say he enjoyed it on the Gleeman and the Geek podcast.

After the Futures Game we went to our favorite bar – Frenchman’s in Richfield. Coming from a small town we were both fans of “dive” bars. Not the nicest places on Earth, but reasonably priced with good music in the jukebox, pool tables, and good people. We had closed the place down on more than one occasion, singing and dancing to Wilson Phillips with the help, and always enjoyed the folks we met there. My attorney even got a blowjob from a large woman he met there once and then scored all her materials to study for the bar.

We ate stacked ham sandwiches and played a round of video mini-golf with my attorney’s cousin and finally heard back from our drug dealer. We blew off our last few holes of mini-golf and even left a bit of beer in our glasses. After two pitchers we were pretty blitzed, but we were only a mile or so from our drug dealer. We picked him up and went to a gas station where he told us to act natural, which was ironic because there was nothing natural about his tactics. He’d have us meet him on one of the busiest intersections south of Minneapolis right across from a park. We’d sit there for a half hour at times…two white boys sitting in a car on the corner in the ghetto. Not at all conspicuous. I hated dealing with this guy, but this time he really impressed. We gave him $600 for a half ounce, one ball of which was for my attorney’s cousin. By the time I’d bought two Cokes and my attorney had gotten a few gallons of gas, our dealer was back with the product. My attorney and I were shocked.

We dropped our dealer at his place and told him to call us in the next few days if he wanted to grab a drink. He did, but, of course, we weren’t about to spend our All-Star weekend with our drug dealer. My attorney had actually sat down for a few beers with him back in his law school days, though. Drug dealers are people just like you and me. They have feelings, but my attorney was always more empathetic than me. I feel a business partner should be treated as such.

We decided to hit the nearest movie theater to do some lines in the bathroom and catch a flick. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes was playing in 3D soon, and the young man at the box office recommended it. The movie was terrible, however, but the blow blew our minds.

The bathroom upstairs was perfect. There was one handicap accessible stall and one urinal. I took to preparing our lines, and I could tell we were in for a treat when I wiped a little on my lips. The bitter taste of pickles put a big smile on my face and the numbing sensation was almost immediate. My attorney returned just as I was about to snort my line. When I did, the pureness of the product hit me like a brick and I regurgitated a bit, splashing a bit of vomit on the floor next to the urinal where my attorney was standing. My superior gag reflex kicked in, and I kept the rest of my lunch and dinner down, but my attorney was not so lucky.

He took his line and immediately began puking all over the floor, moving to the toilet much too late. I laughed as raw fish and stacked ham projectiles splashed onto the floor. We left the bathroom in a rush before someone could discover what we had done. The high carried us through the entire two-hour film, which was good because the film sucked, but the good news was we had three balls of really good blow for our three days of All-Star baseball. It was going to be the time of our lives…or so we thought.

Click here to read Day 2 of our 2014 MLB All-Star Game vacation…