Day 2: A Rainy and Snowy MLB All-Star Home Run Derby

I dropped my attorney at his cousin’s and left them a bit of cocaine I managed to spill into a cigarette package while on the cramped shitter in his cousin’s basement. I know his cousin’s wife hates me, and I didn’t want to give her enough time to think I was doing anything other than taking a shit, so I didn’t do any myself. I walked out, the cigarette package clenched in my fist, and declined a friendly offer of pizza while making my way outside where my attorney was talking to his girlfriend on the phone. I told him I didn’t have time to really measure it out, but he assured me the next day that they had plenty. I had the rest.

I drove the 40 miles to my uncle’s place, doing five over the speed limit and sweating profusely despite putting nothing up my nose for three hours. I don’t know if I was jonesing or just nervous, but it was probably a combination of both. I immediately cut up a bump on a clock from the guest room when I got through the door.

It was a long night, not because of the cocaine, but it took two films, The Matrix and Batman, for me to recover from the god-awful Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. I didn’t need more than a couple bumps to get through both, and I knew we couldn’t check into our motel until 3 PM, so it wasn’t like I was in a hurry to pick up my attorney.

I met he and his younger cousin at Frenchman’s after noon and choked down a stacked ham despite the large line I did before the drive. We played pool until about 2 PM and made our way to our motel to check in. After a few lines we made our way to MLB FanFest, which was a lame excuse for a fan convention and more of a hotel mall, my attorney and I made our way to Mason’s Restaurant Barre for the Twins Daily meet-and-greet. I got to finally meet some of Minnesota Twins’ bloggers I most respect like Parker Hageman and John Bonnes. I thanked them for their work and paying for our beers, but I was a little too paranoid to carry on a conversation after snorting lines off a Bouncing Souls CD case in the parking lot. It was a mistake, because I heard from the Gleeman and the Geek podcast that the Twins Daily folks tied one on while my attorney and I went skiing in Target Field restrooms to avoid the rain.

My attorney and I had planned to sell our MLB All-Star Home Run Derby tickets, but scalpers were taking less than face value outside Target Field, and even after spending $550 on tickets, $450 on cocaine, $200 on gas, and $120 on a motel, my attorney and I were in the mood to see some raw power. We settled into our seats to catch the end of the National League’s batting practice, hoping for some autograph opportunities that were never realized. We were actually a bit surprised by the lack of attention paid to the fans by the All-Stars, especially to the kids. I foolishly brought a Derek Jeter rookie card in case I got up close and personal with the legend, and my attorney brought a ball he was hoping Mike Trout would sign. We got no autographs and were way to lit to stand in line for hours at FanFest for the likes of Paul Molitor and Rod Carew.

We were in our seats at the start, and it wasn’t raining, but radar said it would, and it was later announced that the start would be delayed. My attorney wanted to stay in our seats, and it may have saved our lives, because we would have just done the rest of our drugs and ended up in the emergency room. The hour-long rain delay, and sprinkles at the start, made for a slow derby, even with the new seven-out format that was meant to speed up play. Brian Dozier only hit two during a slippery shower, and Justin Morneau, despite a Minnesota-nice standing ovation, hit just two as well. Target Field wasn’t made for left-handers with mediocre power or right-handers with warning-track power. Most disappointing was Yasiel Puig’s performance. He hit zero. Seven outs just wasn’t enough for anyone to get warm, except Yoenis Cespedes, who repeated as champ with nine homers to Todd Frazier’s measly one in the final round.

Cespedes was accurate, hitting most of his homers to the third section right of the third base foul pole in the upper deck. His timing was dead on, and it made my attorney and I regret getting tickets at field level instead of saving a few bucks and grabbing seats in the left field upper deck. But the photos I got the next day during Derek Jeter’s final All-Star Game made that regret a vague memory.

Most impressive was Giancarlo Stanton, though. My attorney and I were just discussing how we’d never seen anyone hit a ball into the upper deck in left center, and when I moved to the bathroom to do a bump of blow, Stanton launched one to that section right on cue. I caught it on the television while waiting in massive line for the stall.

The best entertainment of the night was TC Bear capturing yet another MLB Mascot Home Run Derby Championship, crushing the Cincinnati Red who failed to hit even one out from shallow center field. TC was launching them into the third deck, but I was told by our new-found friend in front of us that the mascot is a former University of Minnesota Golden Gopher baseball player. I guess that’s why he’s champ.

@GoGonzoJournal 6 times

— TC Bear (@TC_00) August 15, 2014

We were out of drugs before the final round, when Frazier made the mistake of having Cespedes hit first. It didn’t phase him. Cespedes was in a groove no one else seemed to find, and we left before he was awarded his second consecutive derby trophy and car, just like almost everyone else at Target Field. No one in the stadium seemed to be impressed with the new derby format and that sentiment was shared by many members of the media that night and the next day. If it isn’t changed, the derby will continue to be uneventful. There was nothing wrong with the old format. If people have a problem sitting through 10 outs per player they shouldn’t be there, which will only allow more middle-class fans to enjoy it because prices would have to drop. There were plenty of empty seats at Target Field, and the fact scalpers were taking less than face value on the streets is not a good sign. The cost of attending the All-Star Game is prohibitive for most real fans of Major League Baseball. Rich pricks may buy box suites, gourmet food, and beer, but they don’t make a lot of noise. They pay for their team with cold, hard cash, but poor schmucks like me pay it forward with heart. I feel the pain my players feel and share in their anguish. Poor schmucks should be sitting behind home plate in the rain. The rich pricks would be more comfortable in their suites or at home.

In an attempt to stay out of jail, which isn’t as easy as you’d think in the Twins Cities, my attorney and I decided not to party in downtown Minneapolis with the Twins Daily folks. I wish we had, but neither of us could really afford a night out on the town. We made the long walk back to the car and made it to the motel where we did a couple pick-me-ups before bed. We wanted to get a relatively early start for our big All-Star day.

Click here to read about Day 1 of our 2014 MLB All-Star vacation…