What Pain am I Willing to Sustain?

I wrote not so recently that I would treat Go Gonzo Journal like a journal and start writing more regularly. I have not. I’ve been self-searching, and from what I’ve read, journaling is a great way to do so. But I’ve avoided journaling on this platform because it is a very public platform. I wrote something, again, not so recently, that was deeply embarrassing. In fact, much of what I write is embarrassing because I’m embarrassed by much of my life thus far. I don’t think I’m a special case. We all make stupid decisions in our youth and look back and, hopefully, laugh at ourselves. I’m just finding it hard to laugh, as many probably are during the time of Coronavirus.

Mark Manson’s books, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck and Everything is Fcked: A Book About Hope, have helped me realize how to give fewer fucks and embrace the pain of embarrassment, and why I should. Life is pain, and the sooner we realize that fact, the better off we’ll be. Living a good life requires little more than selecting what pain we’re willing to sustain and suffering on our terms, not life’s.

So what pain do I want to sustain? Well, apparently, this pain: writing. If I must suffer, I would prefer to suffer the torturous task of writing. It isn’t atop the list of things I’m willing to endure, but it is atop the list of paid- or unpaid-labor pains I’m willing to endure. Also making the list is “selling something worth selling,” like solar panels and other renewable energy sources.

The top of my “preferred pains to sustain” list is the physical pain necessary to “look attractive and not have back pain.” I’ve long been concerned with the look and functionality of my body. I grew up in a gym where I worked out while my dad beat guys half his age in racquetball. He’d taunt them, and me, by asking how the hell it was we couldn’t beat “an old, fat man.” I never actually beat the old, fat man at racquetball myself, but I got him in tennis.

The mental or psychological pain I’m willing to endure will be the most difficult. My self-searching has led me to embrace the teachings of the Buddha and start meditating over Mondo Zen koans, or riddles. Mondo Zen is basically a more contemporary, Western version of Buddhism. Instead of spending years mulling over Zen riddles, Mondo Zen offers the answers to move people along their path more quickly. If you’re looking for a great introduction to Mondo Zen, read The Heart of Zen by Jun Po Denis Kelly Roshi and Keith Martin-Smith.

The most difficult pain I’m willing to sustain is my pursuit of “selfless awareness.” As a journalist for more than seven years, I’ve appreciated the pursuit of objectivity, even if realizing it is an impossibility. My ideal self would be capable of looking past my biases, or ego, to observe the world objectively. This is the exact opposite of Gonzo journalism, which requires the writer to take a starring role in the reporting of ego-influenced observations. It’s rash and emotional, which is why Hunter S. Thompson is so damn fun to to read. But Hell’s Angels is my favorite work of his because of its pursuit of objectivity. This blog will serve as my Gonzo outlet, where I can be a selfish star working out my shit and you can laugh at me, and eventually, with me.

To get myself to the point of finding my many embarrassments funny, I have a lot of work to do. Some of that work includes finishing a book I’m writing that’s already taking an emotional toll. Journaling, like meditation, allows us to search and sort through ourselves so we’re more prepared to feel our feelings and avoid acting rashly and illogically. Notice that I didn’t say we should avoid acting emotionally. That’s because our feeling brain is just as important as our thinking brain. Mark Manson advises us to think of ourselves, our bodies, as a vehicle, with feeling brain in the driver’s seat and thinking brain trying to navigate. Meditation, journaling, and therapy can all help keep the car on the road and on the right path.

So in the interest of keeping my car on the road, I’ll be here, airing embarrassing anecdotes from my past and present and investigating potentially embarrassing futures.