Me. I Am Mariah… The Elusive Chanteuse: Best B-side Ever?

As I sit here writing an unavoidable review of a Mariah Carey record, I’m doing the same thing I did for eight consecutive hours yesterday: listening to the four songs on the B-side of Me. I Am Mariah… The Elusive Chanteuse. And I’m still not sick of any of them. The album was released in 2014 but was just made available on vinyl for the first time. When my sister notified me on Facebook that her local record store was making March all about Mariah, I decided to spend some money on Me. I Am Mariah… and The Emancipation of Mimi.

I had never heard any of the songs on Me. I Am Mariah… The Elusive Chanteuse. This is the second Mariah Carey record I’ve purchased having heard none of the songs and absolutely love. I purchased Caution without hearing a single song and listened to it almost exclusively for six months.

Let me take you for a spin in an attempt to convey the joy that made me listen to these 15-or-so minutes of music for eight consecutive hours…and still going.

The B-side of Me. I Am Mariah… The Elusive Chanteuse begins with a popping of a cork on a bottle of champagne. It’s a most fitting beginning. The first song is a catchy, contemporary hip-hop song called “Thirsty.” The groove gets in you, making for a mucho danceable canción (that’s “song” in Spanish, the feminine form at least, and since I’m writing about the most diva of divas and an exemplary representation of the feminine form, I figure it fits). The song is a diss track for one of Mariah’s former lovers, and the first half of the chorus is hard not to sing.

“You used to be Mister all-about-we,
Now you’re just thirsty for celebrity.
Best thing that happened to your ass was me.
Pull down them Tom Fords and act like you see.”

I don’t have Tom Fords to pull down and don’t have to act like I see. I know Mariah is one the best things to happen to my ass, and I’ve never met her. My ass keeps its shape thanks to Mariah. It’s sore because I got more than my 30 minutes of exercise yesterday to prove it.

The chorus on “Thirsty” gives way to a hook that puts its hooks in you. Soon you’re drinking from an invisible bottle of champagne doing a dance specific to the song. I only have one other dance that’s song-specific, and it’s for Young Jeezy’s “Everything” featuring Anthony Hamilton. The hook is “I put that on everything,” so I hold an invisible bottle of hot sauce and shake it all over an invisible plate of food, changing hands in rhythm. The “Thirsty” dance is similarly simplistic and similarly satisfying.

From a contemporary hip-hop song we go back in time with a 1950s love song called “Make It Look Good.” I was immediately hooked by the harmonica that opens the song. I’m a sucker for harmonicas. Two of my favorite acts since middle school are Huey Lewis and the News and The Blues Brothers. I’ve even rocked a soul patch since 2008.

“Make It Look Good” provides a much-needed reprieve from the fast-dancing “Thirsty” so we can catch our collective breath. “Make It Look Good” is simple and oddly satisfying in its simplicity. It also prepares us for the goosebumps to come.

Mariah is at her best and better than the rest on “You’re Mine (Eternal).” It grabs you immediately, and Mariah only tightens her grip on you with her high notes. In the end, your dust in the palm of her hand that she blows like a kiss. A classic R&B song, “You’re Mine (Eternal)” best exemplifies why Mariah Carey is the Babe Ruth of popular music.

After eight hours of consecutive listening, I was still getting goosebumps from this song.

Then there’s the disco track that makes this B-side an absolute delight and brings it all together. “You Don’t Know What to Do” might be my favorite song on the record, but that’s coming from someone who’s blown out a subwoofer listening to disco. Question: who else is bold enough to bring back disco? Can anyone but Mariah even do it? That’s why I have the utmost respect for Mariah and her music. She’s willing to take chances on a disco track that even our hobo jazz musician and Gonzo writer, Henry Peterson, likes. He confirmed the quality of every song on this B-side, so I’m comfortable recommending them to you.

The rest of the album doesn’t stand up to these four songs, but you don’t even need to stand up to flip the record over if your turntable has a remote start. I really need one. I’ve had to get up eight times while writing this review.