Strategically Pissing In My Wetsuit: A River Surfing Tale
As I am pulling out of my driveway and notice the clock on my dash is beaming a cool 4:53 a.m. at me, I realize this foolhardy idea I had a few years ago very well may be an obsessive compulsion at this point. Rolling out of bed on five hours of sleep, loading a surfboard, wetsuit, neoprene gloves, and booties is not the most common practice of most residents of Idaho, a landlocked state. It’s even less likely that most are doing this before they plan to work a 12-hour workday, yet here I am.
This started ten months after my daughter was born, nearly three years ago now. I had always been an extremely active and ambitious person, but I was staring the possible mediocrity of a societally accepted motherhood right in its fucking teeth, and I wasn’t liking how it looked. That lifestyle scared me to death, so much so, that I had sworn off children altogether for years. A child was the end of me — the end of years of adventurous pursuits rappelling out of helicopters, traveling internationally, spending as much of my winters snowboarding as a transient schedule would allow.
This internal terror was rattling around in my subconscious one day as I was walking on the greenbelt in Boise waiting for a dentist appointment. As I walked, I decided to go check out the whitewater park. I had very briefly gone on a few dates with a guy years before, a river surfer, and remembered the park. He was an ocean surfer by pursuit who just happened to transplant to Idaho and gotten into river surfing. I laughed as I thought of this because after a couple meet ups for La Parrilla burritos and beers, I had been told I was an emotional mutant incapable of love and connection. Possibly an accurate assessment, possibly not.
Standing on the bank of the Boise River, there they were: river surfers. That was the day I decided I’d try it. I even deluded myself that I might be half good at it with my proficiency at other board sports. I was wrong. My first attempt happened to be during spring runoff, the alpha wave as it is called. I earned quite the prestigious nickname of “Double Dunk” that day, drowning myself on a borrowed foamie and a rented wetsuit. Every person in the lineup knew I had hugely over-committed myself to something I had no business doing. Three years later, those faces still watch me, and I’m still hugely over-committed to something I probably have no business doing. This has been a very valuable and much needed dose of humility.
In this time though, I’ve found the real tale of river surfing lies in the ragged band of personalities that this sport seems to attract. So in an attempt to tell an accurate tale of river surfing, I’m going to explore a few of these personalities for the masses. This is all in good-natured introspection of our sport, all in mediocre humor, and completely lacking all honest and true reflections of these individuals to follow. Names have been changed, things have been exaggerated, or maybe they haven’t. You’ll really never know, but they will.
Surfer #1: Girl Noontime
This cat happens to be everyone’s favorite person to throw a raft of shit at. Mostly because he’s good-natured about it, takes it in stride, and will give it back. Obviously, that is exactly why I chose him to start. The chattiest among us, he can often be seen holding up the line because he’s deducing concepts of Astrophysics with the person in line behind him, or at least that’s what it looks like when you’re waiting on him from the opposite side of the river. He also happens to be owner and proprietor of one of the most laid-back drinking establishments Boise has to offer, and the beer selection may possibly be the most highly curated. If you’ve been to the Yardarm, posted up at the bar in a shipping container, and eaten out of a beached boat, you’re in the know.
Quotes, tips, and words of wisdom:
“Surf angry and pee in your wetsuit.”
“It’s just like the winter wave but faster.”
Surfer #2: The Hula Dancer
Half Japanese, half Hawaiian, and a professional hula dancer, although none of us have ever seen this to be able to verify. She’s princess of the pop-up and the only graceful thing among us. Out here surfing a week postpartum and smiling like a banshee. She’s a longtime coworker and truly the one I blame for this venture in my life. It was her, in fact, who thought inviting me to surf on the alpha wave as a noob was a grand idea. She’s also the smallest surfer out here, shy of one particularly gifted ten-year-old. But he’s hit a growth spurt recently, so yeah, she’s like an ant carrying a log in the lineup.
Quotes, tips and words of wisdom:
“Just like, come down, rent a suit, and swim in the eddy. It’ll be super chill. You don’t need to be a good swimmer.”
“Brace your arms and act like you’re trying to wrestle an alligator.”
Surfer # 3: Allan
He’s a grown man but a boyish Cali surfer bro to the core. Blonde locks, blue eyes and sports a tan year round that I’m sure means there’s a tanning bed and a set of peepers in his garage next to his surf rack. Equally skilled in surf tricks and talking shit, which rendered me completely shocked when someone mentioned he was a Mormon. Now he’ll forever be to me a guy sitting in a church pew Sunday morning smelling of blueberry surf wax with a white shirt and tie next to his twelve children with names like Abram, Brigham, and Caleb. He chooses to serve and tithe his lord via snaps and cutbacks.
Quotes, tips and words of wisdom:
“Last time I surfed in California…”
“That’s not surfing.”
Surfer #4: Zander
Zander and Allan are the ultimate bromance, so they have to be mentioned in tandem. His name is here as Zander because I actually thought that was his name for probably a year and a half. This old guard surfer hails from the Kiwi country, however. A thick New Zealand accent and an ease on a board that tells you this 10,000-hour expert is an oddity in Idaho. Apparently made money in storage, or construction, or international drug smuggling, he’s also the only luxury vehicle parked in the lot, outside some trust fund babies. Best part of surf culture, though, is no one gives a shit about anything mentioned in this whole damn sentence. He’s probably got rugby trophies and definitely drinks dark stubbies from his chilly bin when he’s with his mates.
Quotes, tips, and words of wisdom:
“Just stand up on the board and surf!” – in the most exasperated tone a father can take with his daughter.
“Yea, nah, she’ll be right bro.”
Surfer #5: Rhett Dimes
Married to princess pop-up and wearing tall socks so you don’t notice the lack of girth in his ankles, Rhett’s the token Oregonian. Mountain biker, backcountry skier, and a glutton for punishment in any form: I call him Lungs On Legs because he reminds me of the pricks I used to have to keep up with on the fire line for years. His surfboard quiver rivals that of the supply room at Corridor Surf because he’s a complete gear junkie and buys everything indiscriminately. Don’t befriend him, or he’ll spend your money too — convincing you it’s a necessity. It truly isn’t, but I’ve lost at least a couple grand figuring this out. Don’t visit his bike shop, you wont leave empty-handed.
Quotes, tips, and words of wisdom:
“Harden up!”
“Surf with your mouth closed.”
Surfer # 6: Gus
I don’t know if anyone actually knows this guy’s real name. I’m certain he doesn’t know yours, but he’ll make one up for ya anyways in a jovial greeting. He has a helmet, a PFD, a cute dog, and a van with lots of stickers in the windows. He’s always got a kind word of encouragement for all the noobs and throws a lot of shakas in his self-recorded videos. Their backing tracks are always tunes I haven’t heard since my weight training class in high school. Super nostalgia-inducing, but they really get the people going. You’ll find him trying to pull a stall on a foamie in some boardshorts over his wetsuit any day and in any season.
Quotes, tips, and words of wisdom:
“Nice shred bro.”
“It’s a great day on the wave.”
Surfer # 7: Giardia
A story of river surfing can never be told without mentioning this bitch. Welcome to the land of panhandling parasites. She’ll make sure she gets ahold of you at the most inopportune time, like when you’re planning an island vacation with some good adult beverages. Nope, have some antibiotics and enjoy a week of sobriety. Unless of course you try it the Iranian way and OD yourself on ginger and cinnamon supplements from the internet hoping your GI system is similar to that of a lab rat. Girl Noontime propagates an old wives’ tale that if you pee in your wetsuit she won’t infect you. He’s had it thrice.
Quotes, tips, and words of wisdom:
“I’ll get you my pretty, even if it’s through your eyes.”
“Meet you on the high water and rain days!”
Surfer #8: Lewis
The shining ray of positivity and “it’ll work out” even about a surf feature that’s been inoperable for three years thanks to a unanimously ire inducing engineering firm. The steward of river surfing and surveyor of all waves that could possibly be a future river park. Look out if you host a riffle more than six inches deep and three feet wide or he’s hitting up your county commissioner, beating drums, and fundraising to get it done. The Idaho Surf Association is his name and foamie foot walking and belly riding with some flippers is his game. For real though, donate to ISA today. You want to keep us miscreants in the water and out of your society.
Quotes, tips, and words of wisdom:
“Try the foot trick.”
“Go on a kayak day!”
Surfer #9: All males, 16-22
I’m grouping all of these together because there are so many I couldn’t remember a name or even a face if I tried. They seem to have a lot of time on their hands and lack of employment or school demands, so they’re at the wave, well, all the time, and usually in packs of five. They have really adoring girl friends who wear sweet, high-waisted jorts, crop tops, and sit on the banks watching for hours drinking designer coffees. Conversational topics include everything from possible engagements to lacrosse practice and all the fin configurations possible on a surfboard in any given condition. They’re easy to make fun of because they’re in that stage in life when they’re doing ego-driven, testosterone-fueled dumb shit, but really everyone hates on them because they’re reminders that we were exactly the same at that age. If we’re honest, we’re all hoping we raise our kids up to be these shit-heads pissing off the old guard some day.
Quotes, tips, and words of wisdom:
“Dude, the old lady isn’t surfing half bad today. Oh shit! She’s right behind us. I think she knows I called her old.”
“Your face is like really bleeding. Maybe you need to go to the hospital or something.”
Surfer # 10: Three Year Flush
Hey look, it’s my people. Spending hours of their lives out here getting a half foot on a board and drinking river water for our breakfast, lunch and dinner. If they get a ride it’s about 0.35 seconds long and gives just enough of a bit of hope to ensure they keep pouring hours of their lives into a likely fruitless venture for about 96 percent of them. Most arrive with rented boards, foamies, or something that looks like it came out of a Hawaiian godfather’s storage shed. Some even arrive in swimsuits and carry on about how they’re pro wake surfers/snowboarders/skaters/etc. The Mother River humbles everyone.
Quotes, tips, and words of wisdom:
“Just keep swimming.”
“How do I get out there? This is my first time.”
Well, there you have it, a tale of river surfing. A story about something you should want to know nothing about. A thing you should have no interest in or aspiration for unless you’re really okay pissing three years of your life away in a mostly futile pursuit. Then again, it could work out. You could be a famous river surfer. Famous in your own way at least.
Author’s Note:
Please check out the following river surfing nonprofits in Idaho and consider donating today.
Again, you want us in the river and not in your neighborhoods. It’s money well spent. Don’t worry, your money is safe these days, too, because the only embezzler we know is currently paying a debt to society up state.
Idaho Surf Association
http://www.idahosurfassociation.org/
Salmon Whitewater Park
