Wrestling with Thoughts of Worthlessness
I wasn’t raised in a household where there was much constructive criticism. My father raised me the only way he knew how, and my mother wasn’t about to get in his way. He has a history of becoming physically abusive, but the damage from his verbal abuse has had a more lasting effect on my psyche. That’s why I’m using wrestling characters for wrestling with thoughts of worthlessness.
When I fucked up as a kid, sometimes I got a beating, but most times I got berated. I was called stupid and dumb a lot for being a kid who was top of his class. It was enough for me to continue doing it to myself. Just yesterday I hit my head on the corner of my standing desk while looking for my passport. “You stupid fucking idiot” I yelled at myself, repeating different versions of it for minutes afterward. That inspired this blog like Doc Brown falling off his toilet inspired the Flux Capacitor.
I’ve written before about how I adopted an Orange Cassidy-like mantra on the tennis court to deal with my incredibly competitive nature and inherent anger. “Wider is better. Less is more. Freshly squeezed,” I tell myself over and over again. Does it work? I think it does. I still lose my shit a bit, but my play has improved, and I haven’t effected the play of my doubles partner (the very person I wrote about playing against in that previous post).
Is there room for growth? Absolutely, but at least I’m playing again. I used to avoid the court to avoid confronting my rage. I used to avoid writing for the same reason. Now I’m at least trying, which is all we can do. Now I need to do the same for the rage and negative self-talk that overcomes me during stressful situations off the court.
Orange Cassidy is a character I always need to keep in mind whenever I’m wrestling with thoughts of worthlessness. Just reminding myself that none of this matters enough to get worked up over will help deescalate a lot of situations. When I hit my head I should have employed my on-court mantra and chanted “freshly squeezed” until I could get an ice pack on my noggin. There’s another wrestler, though, whose character I’d like to wake up and simply embody.
I’ve never seen anyone enjoy anything like Willow Nightingale seems to enjoy wrestling. No one takes more pleasure in delivering pain than Willow Nightingale (except maybe “The Mad King” Eddie Kingston, whose shirt I’m currently wearing). On the AEW Unrestricted podcast, I asked Willow how “those of us who aren’t balls of pure energy” bring a Willow-like amount of quality and positivity to our own workplaces. Her answer reminded me to be thankful for the simple things, like “being able to move,” and recognize them as blessings. I need to do more of that.
But the goal of all this isn’t simply to prevent negative self-talk from occurring. The goal is to remove the negative self-image I have for myself. That’s where Peacock Power plays a big part. Dalton Castle is unapologetically and obviously appreciative of himself. He knows thyself and loves thyself. I’ve only just begun to know myself, but I’ve not yet begun to give myself the love I deserve. And I do deserve it. We all do. Life is too damn hard to not love ourselves, and many people won’t if we don’t first.
From this Wrestling Wednesday until my last, I will take the time to reflect on the good I’ve done, the people who love me, and the beauty that is me. Simply telling yourself you’re a beautiful, unique peacock is more powerful than you’d think. Affirmation of and appreciation for our character is the first step in taking flight as fully functioning, free beings – even if only for a mile.
So the next time self-doubt creeps into your mind and you’re on the verge of losing said mind, remember that this doesn’t matter much and you are blessed to be here. Then give yourself some much deserved love. Orange, Willow, Dalton, repeat.
Pingback: How to Feel Fulfilled When Someone Rips Out Your Heart