The problem with me is simple: I don’t think much of myself. I could tell you a bunch of bullshit as to why that is, but that’s exactly what it’d be. Would therapy help? Sure, if I could afford it. But this for-profit “healthcare” bullshit makes rich, white men more money when we’re sick and struggling mentally. That’s why an hour of someone’s time to simply listen costs $359, a third of which covers the cost of billing you for service and overhead costs that wouldn’t exist if people’s health wasn’t a for-profit business. Then the for-profit insurance company only covers half the bill because they don’t consider poor mental health as life-threatening as poor physical health. I’m sure that’s why 106,699 people died of drug overdoses in 2021 and suicides were at an all-time high of about 49,000 in 2022. That makes poor mental health the fourth leading cause of death in the United States.

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

All I wanted was to treat my ADHD, which was diagnosed back in 2016 or so. I heard there were non-stimulant medications available, so I setup a behavioral health appointment. I was referred to someone else to be re-diagnosed, even though I was assured they’d have access to my medical records regarding my past diagnosis and treatment. So I spent $175 to spend another $175 to be diagnosed with something I already know I have.

I didn’t need a licensed professional to tell me I had ADHD. My first grade teacher basically used emojis to grade my behavior each day. I fidgeted with pens to the point it annoyed my teachers, and I’d interrupt English punctuation lessons whenever my teacher called a guideline a rule. It just never effected my performance in school because that shit was easy. Now that there’s more shit that’s more difficult, I can’t focus on a single fucking thing long enough to finish it, let alone execute it exceptionally.

I had an idea for a podcast today. I investigated its feasibility, asked the opinion of people I trust, and even contacted the perfect co-host from my professional network. Then I had another idea for another podcast and couldn’t help but investigate its feasibility, and ask for feedback, etc. This happens to me almost every single day. It’s why I smoke weed. It allows my mind to rest. I have folders and notebooks full of abandoned ideas in half a dozen places, many of which aren’t even in my own home. Some of them are really good ideas, too – million-dollar ideas maybe – but a new, shiny idea always looks better to me than the last one. That’s ADHD.

Apparently yoga can help treat ADHD. It requires intense focus on breathing and posture, training the mind to apply that same focus to other tasks. You can train your mind like you train your body. When you do something enough, you develop “muscle memory.” Your muscles accomplish the repeated task with ease, like you didn’t even have to think about it. “Mind memory” can be achieved similarly. Repeat tasks requiring intense focus and the mind will slip into that intense focus more easily and more often, like a default setting. You can find free yoga classes at many YMCA locations.

I don’t know if it’s related to my ADHD, but I also have an insatiable need for social interaction. I’m a bit much for just about everyone who’s ever met me, but I come out of almost every social situation feeling better than I did before. Communication is the one thing at which I excel. I even have the voice for it, passed down from generations of loud Italians with dynamic range and performative energy. Communicating is my talent, and when we don’t use our talents, we feel like we’re squandering the most valuable thing we’ve got. I often feel like a burden to my friends and family because of the amount of communication I require of them, and when it’s not reciprocated, I don’t feel worthy of their attention or love.

Self-worth

So what makes us feel “good enough” and worthy of love? Healthy relationships that have a positive impact on your life help. I thought I had one for a bit. Apparently I was wrong, which just makes me feel even more worthless. I don’t even know what a healthy, positive relationship looks like. Most of mine have been unhealthy, dramatic made-for-bad-TV relationships that get cancelled halfway through the first season. They were rewarding in their own ways, but ultimately destructive. I’ve been trying to find self-worth in everyone but myself, but how do you find worth in a self you deem inferior or unworthy? Faith.

It really pains me to write that, but self-worth is simply a belief that people love you and that you’re worthy of that love. That becomes abundantly clear when that belief seemingly goes unsubstantiated. That’s when you need to believe it the most. If you don’t, you need to ask for help.

Asking for help is petrifying for a lot of reasons. First, it feels like an admission of worthlessness. How worthwhile can we be if we can’t take care of ourselves? Newsflash: none of us can take care of ourselves. We’re social beings. We created social media in search of social acceptance, only to discover it’s actually toxic and addictive. We need actual social interaction to survive in this world. The COVID-19 pandemic was indicative of that fact. Everyone was struggling because we couldn’t be together, and asking for help was even harder because we knew everyone else was struggling the same as us.

That’s the other big reason why asking for help is terrifying. We don’t want to jeopardize relationships we value. I’ve written about how I’ve confided in my friends instead of my family, and not because I value my friends less than family. It’s quite the opposite. Most of my friends know me better than any of my family members. We’ve been sharing secrets with our friends since we were kids and keeping secrets from our family for just as long. But when it comes to issues of self-worth, neither our friends nor family can help much. They’re supposed to be supportive after all – obligated even. Someone with low self-worth might think their support is disingenuous and result in even lower self-worth. If they’re supposed to be supportive, why did you have to ask, and what does that say about them? Oh fuck, do I even have friends? Does my family actually give a fuck about me?

Treatment Options

This is why we pay certified strangers more than $175 an hour out-of-pocket to keep our secrets and help us rediscover our faith in being worthy of love. It’s a more logical version of confessing our sins to a priest so God finds us worthy of his kingdom, and substantiating His love by believing His only son died for our sins. That’s constructing an illusion of self-worth. You might as well create an imaginary friend who loves you as long as you apologize for the evil shit you do. But as long as you believe it, you’ll never feel worthless.

So what can we do to improve self-worth if we can’t bring ourselves to believe in God or afford to talk to certified strangers? Find a group of strangers struggling with similar issues and talk to them (i.e. group therapy). Drug addicts and alcoholics stay clean because of the support of strangers who can relate. Working the steps doesn’t work without social interaction and a support group. What we need is someone to ask us how we’re doing and actually give a shit because they can help, because they’ve been helped, and because they’ll need help. It takes a village to raise a child, and we’re all pretty childish pretty often.