A Gonzo Hobo’s Guide to Cigars
I was smoking 10 cigars a day last year — two or three big ones and a handful of cigarillos. It was a stressful time. I managed to quit for five and a half months. My dental hygienist, Bonna, who I have a secret crush on, was pleased. When I see her coming at me with that scaling hook I get a little chub. And she hooks me up with goodies, xylitol mints and amorphous calcium phosphate to help me remineralize a stain I have on a wisdom tooth. Someday we’re going to be married.
Last month, I started smoking again, slowly at first, just one or two a week. But like a heroin addict, it cranked up quickly and now I’m sucking down stogies like water. But what the hell. There are worse vices. At the moment, I’m puffing a coffee Macanudo at Tismart Cigar Lounge, my new haunt, just north of Syracuse. Leather lounge chairs you can sink into, big screen TVs, this place would rival any smoking club in the heart of Manhattan.
I’ve been cycling through sticks, searching for that perfect smoke. Here’s what I’ve tried:
Tabak Especial Dulce – $12.99
This cigar is coffee-infused. I remember trying one when I lived in Albany. I had high hopes but was disappointed this time around. When I rolled it between my fingers it was mushy, like a bowl of cold oatmeal. It burned unevenly and would go out if it sat for more than thirty seconds. When you puffed, it was hard to get air through it. I felt like Jenna Jameson working a limp crank as I struggled to breathe life into this thing, or suck life out of it. It had me working so hard I started inhaling inadvertently, and it made me nauseous.
Baccarat Toro – $7.99
This one is infused with wheat and coco flavors — a respectable, middle-of-the road smoke, although a bit lean on flavor. It left a slight stale aftertaste, but that wouldn’t stop me from smoking another one.
M Bourbon by Macanudo – $11.99
A hobo can smoke like a king with this one. Built like a 1972 Chrysler Cordoba, with the finest craftsmanship, this cigar is like smoking a warm, buttered croissant. I had to stop myself from biting into it. With hints of bourbon and a light sweetness, you can enjoy this one down to the nub with no decline in flavor. Bring a roach clip or a toothpick so you don’t burn your fingers.
M Coffee by Macanudo – $10.99
Just as fabulous as the Bourbon Macanudo. Like smoking a warm, buttered coffee croissant.
Acid Krush Red Cameroon (Ten-pack Tin) – $26.99
The first three I had were agreeable. But then they turned on me, and I felt like I was smoking a bottle of Chanel No. 5. Weird, perfumey flavor. Gave me a headache. We might be hobos, but we can do better than this.
Backwoods Honey (5-Pack) – $8.00
My go-to hobo smoke that’s never let me down. Reminiscent of early America and the Wild West, these cigarillos are tasty and available at most gas stations, a plus for the traveling hobo. And you can pretend to be a badass, like Clint Eastwood when you smoke them.
The road to that perfect cigar is never ending. I’ll be sampling more and writing about it soon.
